The Toilet Paper Linedance
(The Galah Performance)
Words and Music: Pat Drummond. Dateline: Cooma,
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I was camping down at Cooma at the old motel.
I went down to see the band at the RSL.
I came into the club and they were doing pretty
everybody bopping and the dance floor full.
Chorus: Going step, slap, stepping back and
shimmy to the right.
Chassez to the left. Turn your chassis to the
Going step, slap, step. It was apparent at
They were all there to do the Linedance.
Suddenly I saw her as she stepped onto the
tight black short dress she knew had done the
She had a bust so low that you could damn near
see her drawers
and curves you couldn't cover in a '4x4'.
She knew that everybody was watching her
but it wasn't for the reason that she thought
The most amazing feature of her visual appeal;
she had a ten inch bit of toilet paper stuck
onto her heel.
Now where she picked the paper up I really
but it was stuck on her stiletto like the chewing
gum from hell.
When she saw us watching she wiggled even more
and that crazy piece of paper went a poppin'
round the floor.
I don't know if you folks have seen a 'bootscooting
but those bootscootin' fellahs never look down
at their feet.
The fellah right behind her trod upon it as
it whizzed past.
It came off of her heel and stuck on to his.
Then the lights went out in the middle of the
The flame came up and the ode came on
and when the lights came back it was as I'd
The toilet paper had disappeared.
Now I guess you know what happened. It was
really quite amusing.
Two hundred people checking out the bottom
of their shoes
and the men checked the ladies and the ladies
checked the men
but we never saw that crazy piece of crepe
The moral of this story (and I'll say it out
is watch where you're walking when your head
is in the clouds!
It's all very well to be the centre of the
but it ought to be for something that's going
to make you proud.
Politicians, supermodels, heavy metal bands,
home boys rapping in their big brothers pants;
think they're pretty cool but it's apparent
at a glance...
they're doing the Toilet Paper Linedance!
Linedancing, which has taken Australia
by storm in recent years, has also seriouslydivided the country
music dance fraternity. I noticed in Adelaide recently, that
some country music clubs are now physically segregating the bootscooters
from the 'two steppers' at socials, with barbed announcements
such as "All the linedancers on the Right...and all the
people who are attractive enough to have someone to dance with,
on the left." Described variously as 'folk dance for lemmings'
and 'a great social outlet for people who always wanted to be
in the army', bootscooting and Boot Camp do seem to have an awful
lot in common. Rigid conformity, the chance to wear a uniform
and the total elimination of individual expression mark the phenomenon.
My feeling is that the rise, both in The United States andAustralia,
of such regimented social behaviour, concurrent with the election
of reactionary political regimes, is a phenomenon which merits
Hugh Mackay's immediate attention. Personally, I was never all
that big on marching at school either.
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